My Journey through loss

As most everyone knows, the last few months have been very hard on us. I have put on a happy face and I really am coping well, but deep down there is a lot of pain we are still feeling on a daily basis. Losing a child during the second trimester of pregnancy isn't very common, and most people don't really know what it feels like. I had many people offer their condolences and share their experience of miscarriage. I appreciated all the kind words and prayers, but yet I still don't feel that anyone REALLY understands what it felt like. I then realized, nobody ever will. Which is fine, but there will always be that empty feeling in me knowing that I am the only one that will truly know what it felt like for ME.

April 12, 2010:
The day I found out that our world wasn't changing after all. I found out that I was pregnant on Christmas Eve 2009. I was shocked, but we were excited. The pregnancy was a lot harder than the last time. I had minor night sickness with Ethan, but I only threw up one time the whole pregnancy. This one, I threw up daily until I was about 15 weeks. At first it was in the morning, than at night. But there were times that I threw up in the middle of the day. It was just torture for me. And that is a sign of a "normal" pregnancy, so I never worried. I heard the baby's sweet heartbeat several times at my routine appts. It was always nice and strong. My Aril 12th appt came and I went in there like I did every other appt. Expecting to be in and out. I got there, and she went to check the hear beat and couldn't find it with the Doppler. She said not to worry, and that the baby was probably in an odd position. We went into the ultra sound room to take a look, and of course I was worried. My stomach was in knots. She started the ultra sound and didn't say anything for what felt like eternity. I then saw the look on her face. Another picture I can't get out of my head. She didn't even have to say anything. I don't even remember what she said. I just remember the look on her face. I laid there numb, while she went to get another Doctor to confirm it. I was so numb I couldn't even cry. She just sat there with me for a while and finally went over what we needed to do next. Because the baby was too big for a normal D&C, I had to be admitted into labor and delivery for an induction. She let me decide if I wanted to be admitted immediately or if I wanted to wait until that night or the next day. I chose the next day. I needed to get things straightened out for my work leave, get Ethan taken care of, and get my thoughts halfway straight. I left the doctor without even calling Daniel. I decided to just go to his work and see him in person.

Daniel took it a lot harder than I ever thought he would. Unfortunately I will never forget the look in his eyes, when I showed up at his work to tell him the news. At that moment, I'm pretty sure we were thinking the same thing...this has got to be a really bad dream. This isn't real...

Sadly, it was very real. So many things were running through my head, and I still think I was holding it together really well, because I was still in denial. It took me a few phone calls, and saying it out loud for me to realize that maybe it is real. Daniel still showed more emotion in the beginning than I did. I don't know if it is because I felt like I had to stay strong for him, or I just couldn't accept the reality of the situation.

My MIL showed up that night to care for Ethan while I was in the hospital. We got to Labor and Delivery at 7AM the next morning. I got checked in, and the induction started at about 8:30. It was a slow process, and time was dragging by. I wanted nothing more than to be in and out of there. Being in that L&D room brought back sweet memories, but at the same time, it was horribly painful knowing that we were leaving empty handed. I started feeling some pain at about 4:00. Up until that point it was just minor cramping. They kept telling me, that with the induction drug they use, the pain comes on fast and strong. And the amount of pain will be similar to what I felt with Ethan. Other than the pushing part will be cake compared to a full term baby. At about 4:15, I felt a gush of water. My water broke. I was screaming hysterically, mostly because I was scared. The nurse came in, and then quickly called the Doctor. It was time. Time to delivery my sweet baby girl. I was shaking uncontrollably. They kept offering me something for the pain, so I would calm down. I refused. I wanted to feel the pain. This whole time, I really was blaming myself. What had I done wrong? It had to have been something that I did. Although I had been told numerous times, it was not my fault. I knew it wasn't, but yet I couldn't stop blaming myself. If that makes any sense! I finally got the urge to push at about 4:30and it was all over. I was no longer pregnant. Done. My eyes remained closed this entire time. I was crying so hard I could breath. I was afraid to see my dead baby. The minute the baby came out was one of the moments I will never forge
t. I immediately heard the Doctor say, "It's a chromosomal problem. I can see it. Shauna, there was NOTHING you could have done differently." As I was hysterical, and with Daniel holding my hand, oddly enough we felt peace. Heavenly Father heard our cries, and felt our pain. He also saved our sweet baby a lifetime of pain and suffering. I did later choose to hold and see her, and a photographer did take photos of her all wrapped up in a blanket. Something I think we will cherish someday.