I know it has been almost 4 months now, but I still am struggling with a lot of emotions. I don't often show it, but I still think about it a lot. It is probably no surprise that when I see pregnant people I get a bitter feeling inside. I still think at times that it should be ME waddling around.
I told Daniel quite a while ago, that it really was hurting me to see pregnant people. Almost to the point that I wanted to avoid church. I got the idea that he had NO IDEA what it felt like. I haven't brought it up in a least 2 months. Today, as we are making lunch together, he said: "It is kind of annoying to see all the pregnant people at church."
For those that don't know him well, he doesn't mean they are really annoying. They are doing nothing wrong. We don't dislike them at all. The opposite actually. We consider the pregnant people we know friends. What he meant was, "It bothers me too." He is just too macho to word it in a way that would make him look overly sensitive. It still seems silly that this has me all excited, but it is sooooo nice to know that I am not alone!! I do feel stupid for feeling bitter towards people who are pregnant, so it is so nice to know that I am not alone!
If anybody who is pregnant reads this: I hope you don't take offense. We really wish nothing but good for you and your growing family! Please don't feel bad for us. Our time will come.
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
One of the few things we are not sharing
I have gotten this question a lot: Did you name her?
I take no offense to it. I am a very open person and will share almost anything...but not that. Not sure why. I was just a few days away from 20 weeks, so we didn't get a death certificate, but did have her cremated and have her remains with us. The name would be unofficial anyway, I guess.
When the Schmidt family was visiting from Utah, I had Ryan give her a nickname. (For those who don't know Ryan...he gives nicknames to everyone. Mine is 48, and Daniel's is Cable TV, and I believe Ethan's is crunch and munch) He gave her the nickname of "Best Foods." So for now, we will call her Best Foods.
I take no offense to it. I am a very open person and will share almost anything...but not that. Not sure why. I was just a few days away from 20 weeks, so we didn't get a death certificate, but did have her cremated and have her remains with us. The name would be unofficial anyway, I guess.
When the Schmidt family was visiting from Utah, I had Ryan give her a nickname. (For those who don't know Ryan...he gives nicknames to everyone. Mine is 48, and Daniel's is Cable TV, and I believe Ethan's is crunch and munch) He gave her the nickname of "Best Foods." So for now, we will call her Best Foods.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
My Journey through loss
As most everyone knows, the last few months have been very hard on us. I have put on a happy face and I really am coping well, but deep down there is a lot of pain we are still feeling on a daily basis. Losing a child during the second trimester of pregnancy isn't very common, and most people don't really know what it feels like. I had many people offer their condolences and share their experience of miscarriage. I appreciated all the kind words and prayers, but yet I still don't feel that anyone REALLY understands what it felt like. I then realized, nobody ever will. Which is fine, but there will always be that empty feeling in me knowing that I am the only one that will truly know what it felt like for ME.
April 12, 2010:
The day I found out that our world wasn't changing after all. I found out that I was pregnant on Christmas Eve 2009. I was shocked, but we were excited. The pregnancy was a lot harder than the last time. I had minor night sickness with Ethan, but I only threw up one time the whole pregnancy. This one, I threw up daily until I was about 15 weeks. At first it was in the morning, than at night. But there were times that I threw up in the middle of the day. It was just torture for me. And that is a sign of a "normal" pregnancy, so I never worried. I heard the baby's sweet heartbeat several times at my routine appts. It was always nice and strong. My Aril 12th appt came and I went in there like I did every other appt. Expecting to be in and out. I got there, and she went to check the hear beat and couldn't find it with the Doppler. She said not to worry, and that the baby was probably in an odd position. We went into the ultra sound room to take a look, and of course I was worried. My stomach was in knots. She started the ultra sound and didn't say anything for what felt like eternity. I then saw the look on her face. Another picture I can't get out of my head. She didn't even have to say anything. I don't even remember what she said. I just remember the look on her face. I laid there numb, while she went to get another Doctor to confirm it. I was so numb I couldn't even cry. She just sat there with me for a while and finally went over what we needed to do next. Because the baby was too big for a normal D&C, I had to be admitted into labor and delivery for an induction. She let me decide if I wanted to be admitted immediately or if I wanted to wait until that night or the next day. I chose the next day. I needed to get things straightened out for my work leave, get Ethan taken care of, and get my thoughts halfway straight. I left the doctor without even calling Daniel. I decided to just go to his work and see him in person.
Daniel took it a lot harder than I ever thought he would. Unfortunately I will never forget the look in his eyes, when I showed up at his work to tell him the news. At that moment, I'm pretty sure we were thinking the same thing...this has got to be a really bad dream. This isn't real...
Sadly, it was very real. So many things were running through my head, and I still think I was holding it together really well, because I was still in denial. It took me a few phone calls, and saying it out loud for me to realize that maybe it is real. Daniel still showed more emotion in the beginning than I did. I don't know if it is because I felt like I had to stay strong for him, or I just couldn't accept the reality of the situation.
My MIL showed up that night to care for Ethan while I was in the hospital. We got to Labor and Delivery at 7AM the next morning. I got checked in, and the induction started at about 8:30. It was a slow process, and time was dragging by. I wanted nothing more than to be in and out of there. Being in that L&D room brought back sweet memories, but at the same time, it was horribly painful knowing that we were leaving empty handed. I started feeling some pain at about 4:00. Up until that point it was just minor cramping. They kept telling me, that with the induction drug they use, the pain comes on fast and strong. And the amount of pain will be similar to what I felt with Ethan. Other than the pushing part will be cake compared to a full term baby. At about 4:15, I felt a gush of water. My water broke. I was screaming hysterically, mostly because I was scared. The nurse came in, and then quickly called the Doctor. It was time. Time to delivery my sweet baby girl. I was shaking uncontrollably. They kept offering me something for the pain, so I would calm down. I refused. I wanted to feel the pain. This whole time, I really was blaming myself. What had I done wrong? It had to have been something that I did. Although I had been told numerous times, it was not my fault. I knew it wasn't, but yet I couldn't stop blaming myself. If that makes any sense! I finally got the urge to push at about 4:30and it was all over. I was no longer pregnant. Done. My eyes remained closed this entire time. I was crying so hard I could breath. I was afraid to see my dead baby. The minute the baby came out was one of the moments I will never forge
t. I immediately heard the Doctor say, "It's a chromosomal problem. I can see it. Shauna, there was NOTHING you could have done differently." As I was hysterical, and with Daniel holding my hand, oddly enough we felt peace. Heavenly Father heard our cries, and felt our pain. He also saved our sweet baby a lifetime of pain and suffering. I did later choose to hold and see her, and a photographer did take photos of her all wrapped up in a blanket. Something I think we will cherish someday.
April 12, 2010:
The day I found out that our world wasn't changing after all. I found out that I was pregnant on Christmas Eve 2009. I was shocked, but we were excited. The pregnancy was a lot harder than the last time. I had minor night sickness with Ethan, but I only threw up one time the whole pregnancy. This one, I threw up daily until I was about 15 weeks. At first it was in the morning, than at night. But there were times that I threw up in the middle of the day. It was just torture for me. And that is a sign of a "normal" pregnancy, so I never worried. I heard the baby's sweet heartbeat several times at my routine appts. It was always nice and strong. My Aril 12th appt came and I went in there like I did every other appt. Expecting to be in and out. I got there, and she went to check the hear beat and couldn't find it with the Doppler. She said not to worry, and that the baby was probably in an odd position. We went into the ultra sound room to take a look, and of course I was worried. My stomach was in knots. She started the ultra sound and didn't say anything for what felt like eternity. I then saw the look on her face. Another picture I can't get out of my head. She didn't even have to say anything. I don't even remember what she said. I just remember the look on her face. I laid there numb, while she went to get another Doctor to confirm it. I was so numb I couldn't even cry. She just sat there with me for a while and finally went over what we needed to do next. Because the baby was too big for a normal D&C, I had to be admitted into labor and delivery for an induction. She let me decide if I wanted to be admitted immediately or if I wanted to wait until that night or the next day. I chose the next day. I needed to get things straightened out for my work leave, get Ethan taken care of, and get my thoughts halfway straight. I left the doctor without even calling Daniel. I decided to just go to his work and see him in person.
Daniel took it a lot harder than I ever thought he would. Unfortunately I will never forget the look in his eyes, when I showed up at his work to tell him the news. At that moment, I'm pretty sure we were thinking the same thing...this has got to be a really bad dream. This isn't real...
Sadly, it was very real. So many things were running through my head, and I still think I was holding it together really well, because I was still in denial. It took me a few phone calls, and saying it out loud for me to realize that maybe it is real. Daniel still showed more emotion in the beginning than I did. I don't know if it is because I felt like I had to stay strong for him, or I just couldn't accept the reality of the situation.
My MIL showed up that night to care for Ethan while I was in the hospital. We got to Labor and Delivery at 7AM the next morning. I got checked in, and the induction started at about 8:30. It was a slow process, and time was dragging by. I wanted nothing more than to be in and out of there. Being in that L&D room brought back sweet memories, but at the same time, it was horribly painful knowing that we were leaving empty handed. I started feeling some pain at about 4:00. Up until that point it was just minor cramping. They kept telling me, that with the induction drug they use, the pain comes on fast and strong. And the amount of pain will be similar to what I felt with Ethan. Other than the pushing part will be cake compared to a full term baby. At about 4:15, I felt a gush of water. My water broke. I was screaming hysterically, mostly because I was scared. The nurse came in, and then quickly called the Doctor. It was time. Time to delivery my sweet baby girl. I was shaking uncontrollably. They kept offering me something for the pain, so I would calm down. I refused. I wanted to feel the pain. This whole time, I really was blaming myself. What had I done wrong? It had to have been something that I did. Although I had been told numerous times, it was not my fault. I knew it wasn't, but yet I couldn't stop blaming myself. If that makes any sense! I finally got the urge to push at about 4:30and it was all over. I was no longer pregnant. Done. My eyes remained closed this entire time. I was crying so hard I could breath. I was afraid to see my dead baby. The minute the baby came out was one of the moments I will never forge
t. I immediately heard the Doctor say, "It's a chromosomal problem. I can see it. Shauna, there was NOTHING you could have done differently." As I was hysterical, and with Daniel holding my hand, oddly enough we felt peace. Heavenly Father heard our cries, and felt our pain. He also saved our sweet baby a lifetime of pain and suffering. I did later choose to hold and see her, and a photographer did take photos of her all wrapped up in a blanket. Something I think we will cherish someday.
The Diagnosis
Our baby girl was sent to a children's hospital for genetic testing to see what birth defect took her life. Several weeks later, we found out that it was Trisomy 21.(Down Syndrome) Although, that is not what we wanted to hear, we were grateful to finally have an answer. We were warned that there was a good possibility we wouldn't ever have a definite answer.
My Doctor suggested that Daniel and I get tested to see if one of us passed it on. Although it is more likely that it was just "bad luck" and something that probably won't happen again. We thought about it, but soon came to the conclusion that we aren't going to waste the time and money to get our blood tested. Why? It won't change anything. If we did pass it on, there is a chance it might happen again. If Heavenly Father wants to bless us with a special needs baby, we can accept that. I know it wouldn't be easy, but there is no doubt in our minds we would love the child just as much as we love Ethan.
After all is said and done, I am grateful for this trial we have had in our life. Although it isn't something I would wish upon my worst enemy, it has strengthened our marriage, our testimonies of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and has helped us appreciate what we DO have. I know without a doubt that we are given trials in life because Heavenly Father loves us, not because he wants to see us suffer. I am so grateful for an eternal marriage and my eternal family. I can't wait to meet that sweet spirit that has caused us so much grief....and throwing up. :)
There are still times when I am bitter and have a moment of "this isn't fair!!" It is getting easier day by day, but is something that will never be forgotten.
My Doctor suggested that Daniel and I get tested to see if one of us passed it on. Although it is more likely that it was just "bad luck" and something that probably won't happen again. We thought about it, but soon came to the conclusion that we aren't going to waste the time and money to get our blood tested. Why? It won't change anything. If we did pass it on, there is a chance it might happen again. If Heavenly Father wants to bless us with a special needs baby, we can accept that. I know it wouldn't be easy, but there is no doubt in our minds we would love the child just as much as we love Ethan.
After all is said and done, I am grateful for this trial we have had in our life. Although it isn't something I would wish upon my worst enemy, it has strengthened our marriage, our testimonies of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and has helped us appreciate what we DO have. I know without a doubt that we are given trials in life because Heavenly Father loves us, not because he wants to see us suffer. I am so grateful for an eternal marriage and my eternal family. I can't wait to meet that sweet spirit that has caused us so much grief....and throwing up. :)
There are still times when I am bitter and have a moment of "this isn't fair!!" It is getting easier day by day, but is something that will never be forgotten.
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